VIVA LA BANANA!!!!

My sister recently sent me an article about the mysterious, the whacky, the WEIRDO of ALL FRUITS - The Banana!!
Since I was a kid, I've loved bananas - and I make sure that not a single visit to the grocery store goes without a visit to my fine potassium-drenched friends.
Hey - if they are good enough for the monkies - they are good enough for MOI!!
Now, apart from the convenience, the delicious taste and the versatility of the banana - I didn't really know much about these babies.
Until now.
Now - my most FIERCE suspicions are confirmed: The Banana is TRUELY a BANAN-TASTIC FRUIT - and has so many purposes...I kinda feel like a sixth grader in LOVE for the very first time....
Did you know, bananas can help out people suffering from the following...

Anemia -- Because of their high iron content, bananas have the ability to stimulate hemoglobin production in the bloodstream.

Bone Mass Decay In Salt Eaters - Some science guy found out that "The potassium [found in bananas] appears to counteract the bad effects of high-salt diets by preventing bones from decaying at a fast rate."
FUCK YOU, Osteoperosis!! BANANAS GOT MY BACK, BITCH!

Constipation - If you're blocked up, stick a banana in your ass and hold it there for like, 10 seconds.
Just kidding.
Stick it in your mouth. The banana's high fiber content helps to restore normal bowel function. It also contain pectin, a water-absorbing nutrient which aids in firming your stool. Mind you - I've never had a problem in this category - in fact - this might work AGAINST me. ANyone know of a fruit that WON'T make you shit like a madman? Contact me.

Depression - Like turkey, bananas contain tryptophan, a protein that converts to the neurotransmitter serotonin. Serotonin is instrumental in facilitating relaxation. Low levels of serotonin are believed to cause mood disorders including depression.
In ENGLISH - bananas make you happy.
At least, they make me happy. And that's all that matters.

High Blood Pressure - The Canadian Food and Drug Association or whatever they fuck they are called actually ALLOWS the banana industry to make official claims that bananas reduce the risk of blood pressure problems.

Nervousness - Bananas are high in the B-complex vitamins, which are known to have a calming effect on the nervous system. And for real - sometimes I'll be at my computer all pissed off about something - not being able to write, not being able to learn a song on bass...or download a song on bass..whatever. I'll have a banana: All life's mysteries and problems are INSTANTLY SOLVED.

Strokes -- Strokes frighten me. Not that I do anything that could induce a stroke..but still..the very idea...*shiver*.
A study of 5,600 people revealed that those with the lowest intakes of potassium were 50% more likely to suffer a stroke. "THEY" say, that adding a banana to your regular diet can cut the risk of death by stoke by as much as 40%.

Ugliness - The Body Shop uses some 250,000 bananas each year in the manufacture of its beauty products. In Central America, mashed bananas are used to relieve dry skin. Other homespun banana beauty treatments include exfoliating masks (blend mashed bananas with cosmetic clay), hair conditioner (combine mashed banana with a few drops of almond oil) and hand moisturizing lotion (mash a banana with 2 pats of butter).

Hangovers - So help me god. I woke up one morning after a night of downtown bru-ha-ha and, putting it bluntly - I felt like I spent the night absorbing punches to my stomach and head. I was still a fucking mess and in NO shape to go to work. All I could muster to intake were two glasses of britta water, and a good ole banana. On my way to work, i found myself cranking the car radio and tapping my foot with the window rolled down. "HOLY FUCK!" I explained, beaming ear-to-ear. "I feel FUCKIN' GREAT!"
Thank you, mister banana.

Heart burn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body so if you suffer from heart burn, try eating a banana for soothing relief. I'm a big sufferer of heartburn...I pop tums like they're lifesavers...and I must say, since I started eating bananas on a weekly basis - I haven't had so much as a fire-burp. No more pepto and tums for me :)

Morning Sickness: I can't really vouch for this one - and I'll never be able to PERSONALLY try it out - but they say that snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness. And if "morning sickness" is anything like "morning hangover sickness" - I can SURE attest to that working!

Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation. I gotta try this.

Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach. How "cool" is that?

Temperature control: Speaking of temperature...Many other cultures see bananas as a 'cooling' fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. Since I will never be an expectant mother - or father - I found this summer - mowing down a banana really DID help me keep cool. Don't ask but it worked.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer, tryptophan. Again - bananas make ya HAPPY!!!

Smoking: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal. Unfortunately - LIFE PARTNER - who DETESTS bananas - will never realize this benefit and will have to do it the hard way :(

Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that, if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart,with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape! Fuck - use duct tape if you want. My dad did! He didn't use the banana - but I know if I EVER get a wart again - i'm gonna bananasize that bitch STRAIGHT OUTTA MY LIFE!!

So there you have it peoples....go BANANAS with the info I've just relayed and don't thank me...thank your big yellow buddy - the banana.

He just wants to help us. Let's treat him kindly.

night,

Dan